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in case of confusion, this blog is now "closed."

i am currently blogging here.

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GOODBYE

So Ben cleaned out his wallet the other day...

I couldn't throw them away.

I really, really like Provo, just in case you never knew. So, you must know I miss it.

I already miss—well, foremost on my mind lately is BYU Football! It may seem trivial, but I miss just the feeling of football season, even when we stayed at home and folded laundry as a family with the game on TV and the front door open because it was sunny, but cool, and outdoor chores were being done too. I miss the ambiance and the atmosphere of a BYU game—whether feeling like a queen in Grandpa's seats or in the crowd of hyper students (OK, some of those hyper students I don't miss), I miss the memories of meeting up with friends (Ben) at a game when we were in high school. I miss the traffic, even. And that's just what I miss about BYU Football.

I miss the mountains and hikes, the summer festivals and the Downtown eagerness to grow. I miss the variety of Hispanic joints and mercados. I miss the student-ridden grocery stores, and the MTC. I miss the very-last-minute-possible post office dropbox. I miss Robert's 40% off always, I miss Cafe Rio and I miss the Creamery's Kids Meal (with Cookies n' Cream on a sugar cone). I miss Provo Parks & Recreation. I miss the Provo River (Trail) and Utah Lake. I miss the trees—the fake one, the raining one, the oldest one. I miss driving Provo Canyon, and visits to Sundance (summer outdoor movies and the Film Festival). I miss knowing every street and the fastest route to anywhere (except from our house to University Mall... that takes long no matter which way you take). I miss knowing where to go for everything.

I miss my perk-y job at Nu Skin. I miss all Ben's plants on the front porch of Bishop Booth's house. I miss the Provo Peaks 11th ward. I miss living a block down from Mom's work or across the street from Papá's. I miss family Sunday dinners. I miss walks with friends, and Redbox walks. I miss temple trips. (We were so close to getting to all of them, Ben—just 2 more!) I miss my class, dear Class of 2KX. I miss Grandma Annie Claire's garden outside Adrian's room—most stunning when all those trees are goldenrod. I miss the studio and our "late-night social life" there. I miss the letterpress and the stock room and even the Bookstore. I miss 422-INFO and the HFAC and the Amanda Knight.

I miss the days of house shows and Velour nights. I miss the Annex—the girls, the wards, the bike-ride to school. I miss writing/making Ben letters. I miss meeting so many peeps after breaking out of (though still keeping) my High-School-friend-shell. I miss Beverage Club, and ROC!
I miss DT and that handy cafeteria. I miss my freshman routine of sack breakfast & lunch, 4 classes from 9-1, and my dear Law School Fishbowl job til 5. I miss that 'new freedom' to go out to the Hot Pots on a whim, and the epiphany that I could even see Ben every day.

I miss high school days, of course—there's way too much to say about that; though Ben, Student Government, and Soccer stand out most. I miss longboarding the river trail from just above Nunn's and jumping in the lake from the bridge before the dock. I miss Girls Camp at Mia Shalom. I miss middle school weirdness-but-fondness, which also was the time of my only "big move" I remember: from Northwest to Southwest Provo. I miss that little duplex spot—riding bikes to Little Dickens, sneaking into Branbury's pool, walking to "Double-time" for treats, movie-hopping during the summer at Movies 8, and the perfect climbing tree out back. I miss Timpanogos times—the teachers and the building and the commute, from Mom's "Don't try this til you've been driving 20 years"-U-turns to our bike rides along the River Trail. I miss the KFC picnics and pinatas at the park by the river. I miss Gymnastics at Timpview and our Friday-night browsing at Toys-R-Us.

Phew! I wasn't born in Provo, but it sure feels like my whole life! The cool thing is, I don't feel dead now that we don't live there.
I'm really excited to be here in the East. I miss all of Provo—especially the fam, but we've got a bit of family here too and it's already part of what I love about North Carolina. So, like Ben's cards, I'm tucking away this oliviainprovo blog and starting afresh—with Olivia in North Carolina! And, let's face it, I'm a sentimental sucker and I'll miss any good times once they've past even if they're out of Provo. . .

ANOTHER TIE-OVER

Ben didn't get what I meant about "lorem ipsum" and place-holder text on my last post. Ben's a smart guy, so I don't blame the rest of you if you didn't get it either. Sorry. I just meant something to take up space while I get the new blog together. It's coming soon.

But here's some inspiration via Smart Ben's handwriting until then:

i found this on one of the pages ben removed from his sketchbook in prep for the first day of fall semester. i assumed a teacher required something of it. but no—after ben saw it on display on our fridge, he said he'd copied it from a documentary. ben became an avid netflix documentary-watcher while we were apart. cool ben.

LOREM IPSUM

{the bricks in the ground at nc state (or just "State" as they call it here) have the coolest swirly-whirly pattern}

OK, so I think this post is just plain going to be like greek text because I just need to "hold some space" until I get the blog situation to where I need/want it. i.e. a new blog? (And I'm writing in serifs, because "they say" serifs lead the eye better in long paragraphs. Prep-up friends, because this one will be long. And serifed.)

I have lots of thanks to give for all your farewells before I left Hometown. Lots more of you mentioned "keep your blog updated!" than I ever thought. That, in addition to all of your humoring me with my comment-plead makes for such a fun sort of connection that happens through blogs. I like it; I'm flattered; thank you! But to those of you (Colin) who aren't into personal posts, this isn't the update for you. Come back later when it's all photos. (Oh, such a chore to post photos...)

I'm just oozing out blog words in my head after a full morning of blogworld catch-up after

packing/leaving provo,

my second cross-country drive,

breathing again with my honey in grasp's reach,

and "vacation mode" with my family.

Then a weekend of "fake anniversary make-up" lounge time as if we were away in a hotel

and few have-to's before Ben snoozed his alarm thrice this morning

and ran away to his program's orientation day for fall semester.

I'm showered, but I put my nightie back on. And I was so whisked away with blogs (and some craig's list searches for free furniture) that I didn't even get hungry until just before noon. That is unheard of for me lately. Way more than morning sickness, I've just felt pregnant hunger. Hunger that comes on fast and hard til it hurts and even just four cheerios cure it. I think this is the very first morning I fasted as if I'd eaten. Weird.

On the pregnant note, I must admit much of my world this morning was maternity moments and thoughts and plunders. (I knew there was a secret to maternity garments and I'm so glad it was confirmed that the secret is none at all. That's what I decided too after my first pair.) But then there's a huge other sentiment—all "this" there is to know about the pregnant world. But somehow I don't want to get into it all—er, I do. But I just want to know what's right, even though a right doesn't exist, and the 'right' is different for everyone. I just want to already know my right, and be done with it. There is too much to know! Too much research!  Too much to read. I know I'm already not a reader, but somehow I don't want to read all there is—but not because I'm not interested. I AM. Like I said, I WANT TO KNOW. But something in me is not up for the learning curve, or failed attempts. Why? That's how it's done; I know it. That's how all learning is done in life and I've never bucked before.

Hmm, but maybe I have. Mom says this trait is nothing new—that I've always wanted to be instantly good at whatever task/game/skill was ahead of me. What a sad commentary on my patience.

Anyway, that's enough to clear my mind of that for now. Man, even aside from the giant questions of midwife or doctor—epidural or natural, there are so many piddly (Ben doesn't think that's a word) details from every step of pregnancy and everything after. Do these debates and learning curves it continue on into parenting teenagers? Grandparenting? Eek.

Aside from the pregnant side, I am loving my new home. The apartment, and the surroundings, the city, the state! I just need to find my new "role." Other than mother, the only role I want right now, the budget is tugging for something in the other direction. What to do... All I can say is, blessings come from paying tithing. I've never had more direct blessings with this "give God back what's His" deal. BK and I had allowed some confusions of deposits postpone some phone calls and a sit-down to figure out what we owed. We settled it all the minute my family drove off, and within 24 hours of writing the check, we got two different big blessings whose financial value equal almost exactly the equivalent of what we wrote out in that check.

OK, enough personals for now? I've got a house to clean and unpack and order and love. I feel like a newlywed again. Staying at home resisting the internet in favor of organizing the cupboards during my first days away from Ben.

Oh wait, then there's Benjamin. I cannot tell you how cheesy I'm about to get. Looking into his eyes is really all I need in life. There are a lot of stinky things about being apart, but I didn't expect to miss staring at his eyes so much. And his hand on my back! And talking in person! He took me to his July stomping grounds on Saturday. I love him here, outside his studio.

I love him everywhere, but mostly at my side. I made him take an arm's length of us—together again, finally. A cheesy shot, I know. But his kiss pose took me so by surprise that my eyes  wandered away from camera into a gaze. Has he even done that for a camera since 5 August 2008? Cheesy, but so worth it after his awkward first attempt. (He knows I hate the pics where the girl is the only one showing affection.) And not that I only love the pics where the guy is the only one showing affection, but that cheesy one doesn't count because I'm showing affection too. That smile and cheezy gaze is my love back at him. All for him.

OK. OK's done.

"THE FARM"—from the landscape architect's point of view

FAMILY TEASING part II

my family also made me a shirt

so i could tell you why they call me "ragú:"

not that i've been making excuses or anything...

it's just works for everything... it's why i can't clean, why i'm always hungry, why i can't eat more than 3 bites a sitting, why i have a double-chin and a pot-belly, why i have to nap, why i can't be on time, why i can be grumpy, why i can't fast, why i can't plunge the toilet (ashton doesn't believe that one), why i can't lift big things, why i couldn't get in the fun hot-tub with everyone at capitol reef...

it's also my excuse for glowing lately...

because i heard a little heartbeat this week; it is real!

(no, the 'discomfort' of the past 3 months didn't have me convinced).

super sad to be away from Ben-the-dad for all this, of course...

but let's just say that all my cravings have just been for HIM,

and he's been great to keep the shelves fully stocked with lots of long phone calls.

we are happy to announce a Baby Knudsen—Januaryish-Februaryish 2010!

*photo credits to devin ann!

FAMILY TEASING